Before I Die
by ChiiRyeeBiee
Summary: "Before I die, I want you to know how much you mean to me, because a life without you is a life not worth living. Because without you, I cannot be anyone worth remembering." Can mere words really change the things one has done in the past? Gary doesn't know, but for Ash, he'll try to change something - anything - if it meant letting him understand his feelings.
1. Before I Die

**Hayoo, ChiiRyeeBiee here along with my first Palletshipping one-shot, Before I Die! Very corny title. Gosh, I had trouble with this. I actually had a backstory for this but I decided that I didn't like it (despite the fact that I've spent ages trying to perfect it). It just didn't have the ****_"writing effect"_**** I wanted to achieve anymore, with this being a ****_"serious-sounding"_**** angsty story. I had doubts posting this all on its own (and without a backstory) since I happen to be one of those very stall-y writers who can't get straight to the point. Ehh, I like it. I'll just write sequels to it to satiate my quirk in writing particularly ****_looooooong_**** stories.**

**Well, this is Yaoi (hopefully that speaks for itself) so I'll leave you with the decision to read or not. I don't own Pokémon. I will, however, always believe Ash belongs with Gary and vice versa, since they are my OTP and no one can tell me otherwise. Please leave a review :) I dunno how I did with this one. Hope you like it ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ**

**Enough stalling (SEE WHAT I MEAN?!) and get on with it! Your story, doozoooooo!**

* * *

**Before I Die**

**Summary:** "_Before I die, I want you to know how much you mean to me, because a life without you is a life not worth living. Because without you, I cannot be anyone worth remembering_." Can mere words really change the things one has done in the past? Gary doesn't know, but for Ash, he'll try to change something - anything - if it meant letting him understand his feelings.

Letter style; Gary's POV Palletshipping

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Before I Die

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Before I die, I promise to tell you exactly how I feel. From the beginning till the end of my era; it would be up to you how to look at my situation in your own way.

Before I die, let's just say I'll be completely honest, although _'honest'_ isn't and will never be the best word to describe me. I want you to know everything that I've been thinking and feeling; I want you to know what I know and understand about you - your goals, your secrets, your fears.

I'm aware it's not exactly the best way to begin a piece of work (or whatever this is) with a pessimistic statement. Death should never be associated with matters of the heart, or associated with a shining star such as you. Then again, death should never be freely associated with anything. I guess my point is that I want you to understand what I still need to do before I leave this world. After all, the absence of you may as well be the absence of life for me. I'd never admit it publicly, but you are my life.

Without you, I cannot be _anyone_ worth remembering.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Remember the day we first met? We were such small children back then. I remember your blue one-year old shorts, your casual summer sandals and your own Bulbasaur-patterned shirt that I had as well, and I somehow wore it coincidentally on the same day.

You ran up to me, claiming that I stole your shirt, when in actual fact you were wearing your own the whole time. We became the best of friends. I remember running up to our neighbours' doors and ringing their doorbells as our own little prank, then running away to a nearby bush to hide ourselves from curious adults. I remember our tiny walkie-talkies, and that kiddie tree house we grew up in, playing _"I Spy a Pokémon_" or hide and seek.

Those were beautiful memories. One would assume I casted them away in the back of my mind somewhere, forgetting them completely if only I had the chance. But I never did, and I never could. You meant too much to me for me to easily cast them away. You just never knew.

Back then, you were such a frail little child. You were frightened of the smallest of things; a tiny Weedle, for example. You were terrified of the fact that one day it would grow to become a highly defensive Kakuna, and then a highly offensive Beedrill. You wanted to stay a child forever, hence your childish personality. You never wanted to have to deal with any problems like adults do, which you were slightly aware of.

As if it were only yesterday, I recall the day I fell in love with the sunshine of my life that was you. We were cloud watching; you took my hand and lead me up to a hill, full of ever-growing green grass and blessed with a view that overlooked every corner of our peaceful yet prosperous town. The sky was that of a crystal clear cerulean colour, and cumulu-cirrus clouds rode the atmosphere like migrating Pelippers. It was when we arrived that you turned to me and smiled a sunlight, with the actual sun shining down on you like golden glitter.

_"I see a Jigglypuff-shaped cloud, Gary!"_ You beamed excitedly at the sky. I remember that cloud so well. It was next to a heart-shaped one. I recall you making up this story about that particular Jigglypuff finally finding its lost yet loving family. You claimed to having missed your father. I claimed to having missed my parents, too.

How those clouds formed shapes, I still do not understand, yet I am thankful that they were in the sky at such a perfect moment. If not for them, how would I ever realize that what I felt and still feel for you was love? I looked at you and I gained hope, not only for the ability to reach my dreams with you supporting me, but also the hope of another caring for me in a way that my parents never did.

I loved you back then. And you loved me too, just not in the same sense as I felt and still feel for you. I only wish I could have told you. It would have been a lot smarter to do than the turn of events that followed.

I promised to be your family. I promised to be your support. I promised to care and love you like he never did and I promised never to leave you alone. I promised to travel with you to the ends of the earth and to be there for you whenever you needed me. We were supposed to be together forever. We were supposed to love each other _for life_.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Before I die, I want to let you know that I'm sorry for leaving you alone. I broke every promise we made that day - from travelling together when we finally could go on our Pokémon journeys, to running forward and helping each other catch similar yet different dreams and goals. I was selfish, inconsiderate and I thought only about myself. Leaving you alone has been the biggest mistake I have made in my life, as well as the biggest regret I know I can never redo.

As much as it could have been possible for me to patch things up between us before things got worse, I ended up not doing so for fear of being wrong, losing my terrible pride and dignity and _"it"_ never being enough for me to make it up to you. I'm sorry. I really am sorry, Ash. I know words will never make a difference in righting the wrong of my actions, but I still want to hold on to that little bit of hope I have that maybe, it would make you realize just how awfully sorry I really am.

Before I die, I want you to know the truth behind my actions, although letting you know would never convince you to look at me the same way you had back when we were children. I have tainted the role model image you thought of me and replaced with nothing more inconceivable than the stupid jerk I became in your eyes.

I thought I was the only one being affected, you know. Grandpa always told me that I should never do something to bring the Oak name to shame and I had to do just that. I was aware that I was in love with you, and I wanted to be with you forever. I was only seven years young and I already believed in a happily ever after, with you and only you. I wanted us to live together, train Pokémon and travel to the ends of the earth; meet legendaries and make astounding discoveries - I wanted to do everything with you. We were best friends and it was only right for me to want you in my life for the rest of it. I had nobody else for a friend. You had nobody else for a friend. We were both together, and I was happy with it. I wanted nobody else, nobody else but you.

When Daisy figured out I loved you she thought it was adorable at first, and she smiled at me like Mum used to every time. But then I kept talking about you and wanting to be with you and becoming a Pokémon Researcher with you as a Pokémon Master that I guess it was too much for her ears to bear. She didn't look annoyed but the way she hardly responded to any of my questions about what it's like to be in love or if she could help me to show you just how much I cared was enough to make me think that she'd had enough of my yammering. So I decided to ask Grandpa about it instead. I remember her trying to stop me - her grip on my arms still burn from the mere memory of it. My going to my grandfather was probably the catalyst for the rest of my big mistakes. Gosh, I was such a jerk.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Grandpa didn't react the same way my sister did of course. He was so shocked that it was as if he saw the sun fall down from the orange sky. I remember his expression so clearly: thick furrowed eyebrows which expressed concern, a scorn look directed at none other than the nuisance that was me, blue eyes full of disappointment and sadness - it was awful seeing him look down at me so seriously. Daisy tried to break it to me in the nicest way possible, claiming that, _"You can't love him, Gary. Ash is a boy. He's not yours to love, and he could never be"_. Cruel. It was **cruel**.

I reacted really badly as expected. I did something I never thought I would have - I screamed at her. I called her the worst sister anyone could ever have and I yelled at her in front of my Grandpa. Such awful behaviour consequently earned me a slap on the face from him. He scolded at me for bringing shame to him, and nobody even knew a thing yet! _"You promised,"_ he growled between gritting teeth, _"...never to bring shame to our name. I am severely disappointed in you." _Those words were needles as they made their marks on me, scarring what little heart I had left. The blood that seeped out came as tears that fell violently, taking away the promises I made and initiating the rue in my already broken heart.

Big mistake number two was my actual listening to Grandpa's words. I couldn't love you because he said so. Because it wasn't acceptable in society. And I obediently listened without clue that I could live my life the way I wanted and love whoever I wanted to love. The next time you came to my house I remember pushing you away and out the door, telling you to get lost, to never see me again and that we were no longer friends. I was so angry I took it out on you on impulse. Oh Arceus, I even slapped you and threw the nearest household things at you just to get you to back away. That lamp, that chair... Mother's antique vase. Those shards I remember flying up to your face and the parallel scars they made... Your bruise, those wounds... you sprawled over the floor, hands clutching at bleeding skin... **What did I do to you? **Why was I such a _monster?_

No words can express how much I still regret that awful day. I am truly, sincerely and awfully sorry for making you cry and for pushing you away. For being violent. For leaving scars, emotional and physical. Everytime I look at you and see the z's on your face I am reminded of the horrifying day of our friendship's end. I'm sorry for taking out my anger on you and letting you suffer the same pain that I felt even though you did nothing wrong. I was stupid, selfish, blind, mindless and ill-natured. I could and can never do anything to take that day away.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Before I die, I want you to know that I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't deserve your pity; it is way too precious to be given to someone like me. I just want you to listen and know the truth, and I'm not telling you these things in hopes that you would think of me as less than the idiot I became. I still am, and I forever will be for having done you wrong. I apologize for everything I've ever done unrighteous to you but I don't ever want you to forgive me. I just want you to know. I just want you to listen and hear me out.

The next three years of my life were unbearable. It was a whole new change I had to adapt to that I myself did not want to go through. I pushed you away and claimed that my love for you was just a joke, which I knew hurt you so much you began opposing my terrible actions as well. You depended on me and I killed you over and over and over again with my lies and my mockery and degrading remarks. You, a boy so frail that you needed me to be there for you, were abandoned by your so called best friend all because he shouldn't fall in love with boys. It was ridiculous. I was a child, but I was able to cause an inevitable emotional damage to my one and only best friend.

I kept my heart under lock and key and became arrogant, boastful, and prideful - someone who could not be easily defeated and someone who society would look up to instead of degrade. Soon enough everyone would be talking about the one and only grandson of the famous Professor Oak and how he became Kanto Region's youngest Champion at the age of ten. Instead of waiting another year for your tenth birthday I decided to go on a journey on my own, a year before you could even when I promised we would travel together.

When you heard I was leaving, you were infuriated. I had a Poké Ball at my hand and though I deemed our friendship over, I didn't touch on the promises that we made. I remember yelling to your face there and then that I was going to be a Pokémon Master like you were, and I was going to do it before you had the chance to as well as become a better Pokémon Researcher that my grandfather couldn't be. I remember continuously throwing pebbles at you and telling you to get lost and leave me alone. I could never erase the memory of your tearful face, red with eyes full of hatred and disgust. I stole your dream away from you. Big mistake number I-didn't-even-know-anymore. What did I want to accomplish? To crush you to pieces as shattered as my heart was? To make you want to regret living and making me fall in love with you? What a grave offence against love itself. Unforgivable.

Thinking about it now, I was blinded with pure anger that I couldn't love you and so I started taking out my anger on you instead. I wanted you to hate me. Forget that I ever loved you. I wanted you to be free from my grasps and love whoever you wanted to instead of the _devil_ I was. I didn't want you to fall in love with me like I did with you. I didn't want anyone to break your heart after realizing that I wasn't yours to love either, so I broke your heart myself. It was cruel. I can't believe I can even dig deep inside the past and have the guts to recall such painful memories. I hated myself, Ash. I hated myself for doing such things to you. And I still do.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

You may have been a year younger but you caught up to me quickly, since I multi-tasked researching Pokémon as well as battling side by side with them to be the greatest trainer alive. And of course, you were just that good of a trainer to do what I've done in two years, twice as earlier as that. Those two extra badges I earned? I got them from unauthorized gyms in the Sevii Islands. But a badge was a badge, I guess. And those cheerleaders that kept following me around in hopes of getting you jealous of my rather prominent status? They were my cousins. I let them travel with me since Daisy wouldn't allow me to travel alone, as I wouldn't be travelling with you any longer. They left me after I lost early in the Indigo Conference since they had jobs to attend to. They were sure I'd grown enough to go travelling on my own.

Grandpa was so proud of me. My sister was too, but I was more perceptive to see that she was saddened by my personality change. The once sweet Gary she knew was gone all because of... all this love business. I wanted to make them regret the day they told me I couldn't love you. My sister did. I never knew if Gramps did too.

Surprisingly enough you followed me all throughout my journey and yours. Our paths kept crossing and I couldn't do anything about it so I chose to make you feel bad about yourself instead. Knowing you, you never gave up despite the insults I continued to throw at you. Again, what was I trying to accomplish? How dare I say I love you. **How dare I.**

When they say you hurt the one you love the most, they didn't consider how detrimental that must have felt to both sides of the equation. I tried to imagine a life without you. It ended up taking away what little good and what little love I had to begin with. I couldn't do it, because I loved you too much. I needed you in my life. I chased your dream in hopes of being close to you without really being close. I insulted you numerous times just to be able to talk to you. I made caring about you a sign of failure, and I couldn't and should never fail, not me. I thought only about myself, and I didn't think about you.

I was half happy when you defeated me fair and square in the Silver Conference. I was sad because I lost, but happy because it was to you. You've grown without me. You stood up without me. You've learned to walk alone and you've become a better person; not the weak and fragile-hearted kid you used to be. I couldn't even say it to your face, what I've been feeling for you all these years. I'm such a coward, and look at me now. I'm venting to a piece of paper.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Do you still remember that fateful day? That day we both caught a Poké Ball with our fishing rods and childishly fought over it? I've taken care of my other half that you returned to me. It's been displayed in a glass cover at my bedside; polished and gleaming under the first ray of sunlight that seeps through my golden curtains. If you ever visit my room, you'd probably see it. It reminds me of you. You'd never think I was a sentimental person, but I am.

In a way I kept it because it was the only part of you that I had thus then. It was like you had given me something so special and yet not worth treasuring and I promised to take care of it. As if I was still taking care of you. But it was, after all, just a thing and it couldn't be harmed. It couldn't be broken. It couldn't fall in love.

Before I die, there are so many things I must say to you. First of all I really wanna know how you are. We've met again in the Sinnoh region and you've gladly helped me in my research, but I don't even know how you've been, and what you do in your spare time, or who it is that you have fallen in love with. As jealous as I could be, there must be someone that you care about, even if I know it would never be me because I am a boy and a jerk and a selfish stuck up _demon-living-in-a-human_'s body.

Before I die, I just wish I could see you smile at me again. Not the kind of forced smile that I would usually give some lovesick reporter for hitting on me; the kind of sunshine smile only you possessed that could turn my legs into jelly. Of course I am just being wishful here, since the only smile you would probably give me is the word written on a piece of paper or a Pokémon you have nicknamed _Smile_. Oh dear Arceus, that was awful. You probably noticed I'm rambling already... Goodness gracious, I must feel so stressed out about my stupid life that I crave even the tiniest of humorous remarks I could make if it could help to make me feel less awful than I already feel. Curse the life I'm living. Curse it.

Before I die, I want to hold your hand again. Sleep next to you again. Wake up to a raven mess of hair that smells like cinnamon and the warmth that only you could emit. Before I die, I want to hold you in my arms and tell you your the only one I can have even though you don't feel the same way. I want to walk along the shore with you and I making footprints in the sand - two pairs of feet, side by side - and I want to look back to see them as proof we have been through so much together. I want to kiss you under a starlit sky and tell you that I love you from the bottom of my heart, through a song, or a prayer, or a wish.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Before I die, I want us to go fishing together. See who could catch the largest Basculin or the largest Luvdisc or something like that. I want us feed each other fries with ketchup or initiate the most tortuous tickle fights with each other. I want to climb on top of Mt Silver and scream your name so loud that an avalanche would be the result of it. I want to go cruising, and travel to the farthest region from home, or go stargazing in the middle of July.

Before I die, I want to watch your battles and be there for you when you become crowned a Pokémon Master. I want us to watch horror movies together and fall asleep to the lullabies of a Chimecho or go to a concert just to enjoy ourselves. I want to throw a birthday party for you and tell you that you still look young and beautiful to me. I want to celebrate Halloween together and dress up like Pokémon, or visit a masquerade ball and try to find each other in amidst of the crowd.

Before I die, I want to buy you the most adorable plush toys ever and have a room full of them in our house, or go scuba diving in the deepest trenches at the Hoenn Region or learn French in the cafes all over Lumiose City. I want to build Mr Mimes at Snowpoint City and watch the geisha performance in Ecruteak City, or go Wailord watching at Mossdeep City. We could play tag in the flower fields of Floaroma Town, or simply eat the best Castelia cones in Castelia City.

It's ridiculous, the things I wish. The things I want. I bet if I reread this, I would want to shred it up and pretend I didn't just write the words in here. But I mean what I say in this letter. You have the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and if anything I've written here seems like a hoax or feels untrue, then you need only to confirm it with my Eevee, since she's looking over my shoulder now, and she witnessed me promising to the wind that everything I have said is the honest truth.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Before I die, I wish I could marry you. I want to be with you forever. No more stupid _'society-will-hate-you-if-you're-a-homosexual-freak' _speeches. No more being controlled and justified to a life full of honour just because I was born into the Oak family. No more lies. No more tears. No more pain. I want to be free, I want to live my life just as Gary, and not as the grandson of Professor Oak. I want to put a ring on your finger engraved with our name and the promises we made, and I promise this time I'd never ever leave you alone. We could invite everyone you want, or make it as private as possible. Roses and camellias would decorate the hill we used to hang out at - the place I vowed to love you and the place I will reiterate my promises. And when you say I do, I would without a doubt take you into my arms and kiss you senseless. Ask some professional Smeargle painter to draw the scene and we'll frame it and put it up in our living room for the years to come.

Before I die, I want to make love to you on the nights when we're free and cook you chicken soup whenever you get sick. I want to pull funny faces at you if ever you start crying and feel really sad or chase you around the house with a gel container so I could style your hair for one of your friends' weddings. I want to nuzzle into your neck and take bubble baths together - just like when we were children. I want us to cry in each other's arms and say sorry to each other if we've ever had a bad fight, then I'll make your favourite flavour of popcorn and we'll fall asleep in the couch watching Titanic.

Dear sweet Ash, the one that I care about the most, the one who makes me smile and laugh and cry and want to die for all over and over again, the one who I'll pray to be with in another life and the only one I feel this strongly for, oh how I want to be with you. How I feel insane not having you by my side. How I miss the way you hug me into the tightest and warmest hug I could ever be in. How I yearn to live my whole life with you, even if it meant ruining my reputation and being disowned by my so called _family_.

The one thing I wish the most really, is that I could give this letter to you, for you to read, for you to know just how sorry I am and how much I think about you each and every day. Before I die, just know that I love you, even after I've shredded this, even after the lies and the pain I have burdened you with, even after our fights and our bickering and the rejection and the tears. I love you so so much, _so very much_, and I wish these words could at least make a difference to the things I've done in the past.

I love you so much, and I'm sorry. I'm really, _really_ sorry.

* * *

**Quick update: Sooo, how was that? ^~^ I hope it wasn't too fuzzy. Btw, I still have the backstory, so for those who want me to post it, please say so. :) it's like sitting in my iPad waiting for daylight... hehehe. I'm working on Ash's response, so, yeyy! Till the next time. ChiiRyeeBiee signing off!**


	2. Before I Die (backstory)

**Heyoo~ let it be known that I am highly contradictive of myself. I said I wouldn't post the backstory because I thought it sucked, and now here I am, doing the very same thing I had trouble with deciding to do, or not to do. I've actually posted it way earlier than the letter (for those who have seen the excerpt before I scrapped it, you know what I mean) but for some reason I'm fine with it again. I hate when that happens - you do something, think it's stupid, change it, then regret that decision. Argh. Don't hate meeee!**

**HAPPY PALLETSHIPPING DAAAAAAY everyone! I know, I know. I'm a freaking weirdo, supposedly overposting on this very grand day. It just so happens that today was my last day of school (yeyy holidays!) soo, I bring you gifts to celebrate with me in my rejoicing. Double awesome! XD This day was seriously vandalized with x's on my calendar. I'm ecstatic.**

**I leave you with the decision to read this first before the one-shot letter which follows it (the supposed first chapter), or you could read it afterwards if you've already read that, hehehe. There's more to this than what's written in here I assure you, since I cut it off where I thought was appropriate (Tch, yeah right. Such an awful ending wtf) because yes, I am writing Ash's response (somedaaaaaaaaay) and the post letter-reading would be part of it. Yeyy!**

**Once again, this is yaoi, I don't own Pokémon no matter how many times I pray to Arceus. You don't need to read this if you have read the letter but if you want to, then feel free to.**

**Okay. No more stalling. I'm sorry, this was too muchreader communication :/ Much reviews welcome omnomnomnom. ChiiRyeeBiee dino invites you to enjoy your reading. Toodledoo~**

* * *

**Before I Die (backstory)**

**Summary:** Is it possible for words to be enough when it comes to telling someone how you feel about them? Gary tries to write a meaningful letter of sorts, voicing his feelings to the particular ravenette he loved without any intention of sending it. So when Ash finds it by accident, how would he react to the situation? GaryxAsh letter backstory

_NB: **~o~** = start and end of flashbacks._

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Before I Die

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Gary sat before his working desk, which had piles and piles of research files, a laptop and your typical pen and paper. The seventeen year old was supposed to be finalizing a research paper, but no, his mind decided to find him something more seemingly interesting and important to do. What other thing could be more interesting and important than his research paper on Lunatone and Solrock's original whereabouts?

He didn't know why he was doing it, nor did he know what exactly he was doing. He just wanted to let it all out. As Professor Oak would have said in a more poetic verbiage, "Stress could tamper with your actions and emotions," and his particular thought was doing just that. Pathetic.

With a few breaths in and out, Gary picked up the pen and began writing.

_'Screw this stupid thought, this stupid feeling, this stupid everything.' _He murmured, writing his thoughts down in clear and bold handwriting. Why did they even deserve to be jotted down? As if his mind tried to answer his own question, Gary couldn't help in reminiscing the triggering events to his current state from a few days ago.

**~o~**

_"Do you like drawings, Gary?" Tracey suggested in a questioning tone. The two were chatting amongst each other, in the midst of tidying old research files away._

_Gary simply nodded as he arranged multiple miscellaneous documents at the top unoccupied shelves located in the professor's office._

_"Why do you ask?"_

_The Marill Trainer thought for a while, wondering how he could put what he was about to say in a proper and understandable context. He knew of Gary's problems from Day One, and he also knew that said brunette was just too stubborn to talk about it. Gary, much to his misfortune, had to deal with them anyway, especially when cornered and interrogated by none other than the suspiciously-alert Cerulean City Gym Leader, Misty Waterflower._

_"I know you need to vent out in a way. And it might sound weird, how I'm saying this to you now, but I've noticed how stressed you've become lately and I kind of want to help."_

_Gary wasn't sure he understood what Tracey said, therefore tilting his head to one side, followed by a confused "huh" directed at the Pokémon Watcher._

_Said Pokémon Watcher merely sighed, taking Gary's silence as a prompt for continuing._

_"I know you like him. **Love him.** Have feelings for him at the very least. I'm not really sure. But the rival and enemy you've made yourself believe to mean nothing to you? Well, I can see through your hateful disguise towards him. You care. And you want to make him know that."_

_The Pokémon Researcher's mind went blank for a moment. What? What feelings? Who was Tracey talking about? He had no feelings, not for anyone, no. He knew for sure he didn't need to vent out for anything, so why on earth was Tracey telling him to do so? And this rival and enemy the black-haired boy referred to... he didn't really mean-_

_"Gary? You listening?" Tracey asked rather loudly, concerned and unaware he had broken Gary's chain of denying thoughts._

_How did Tracey figure out?_

_When reality finally sunk in, the emerald-eyed boy suddenly remembered how taken aback he was from such direct words that he almost fell off from the cheap metal ladder he was standing on._

_"I have no what you're talking about," the researcher declared in an accusing tone, "…and I don't think I'd like it if I knew either." The once cheerful Pokémon Researcher was quick to snap, and once he was angry, there really was no going back._

_Tracey rolled his eyes in disappointment. "Yes you do, Gary." Of course, the seventeen year old was only as stubborn as he had always been._

_"Look, I don't want to hear it, Tracey. Save your breath for more important words to say."_

_"It is important, you cold and sensitive jerk! Why are you so stubborn?!"_

_Another silent moment passed between them until the former carried on talking._

_"Look Gary, I'm sorry for calling you that but, I just want to help you. I hate seeing you like this."_

_"Like what, huh? What do I look like? Distressed? No, I'm not, okay? Why would you dare or even care to help? And what's there for me needing help in, huh? I don't need help, and I mean nothing to you, Tracey. I don't even know what you're talking about! Now drop it before I seriously get angrier than I already am!" The emerald-eyed boy seethed a little too offendedly, fists clenching and nails digging unintentionally into pale skin. Tracey tried hard not to make eye contact with him as he focused on repositioning notebooks on Professor Oak's heck-of-a mess desk._

_"Everyone needs help, sometimes Gary. I know there's something up with you and I want to help you because we're friends, you know... I want you to loosen up and just be happy..."_

_"Because we're friends..."_

**~o~**

_Because they were friends..._

It was funny, how Gary's childhood best friend and rival used to say the exact same thing. If only things were different, then maybe the younger boy would still be around, next to him, beside him, anything – just as long as they were best friends again. Gary could just imagine the ravenette smiling like old times. Oh, how he missed him so much. Just thinking about him made him feel guilty for every little bad thing he committed against him and it made him wish that someday, if he could, finally have a chance to make things right between them.

"Well, Gary. Here you go." He whispered to himself, hoping it was enough of an encouragement to finish what he already began. A few more deep breaths and he continued his work, writing till his hand tired out. In the process of working, the Pokémon Researcher had to crumple up some papers here and there, as it wasn't exactly easy to find the right synonyms and adjectives to put together in a perfect composition of words.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

**~o~**

_"Please just hear me out, Gary. At least listen to what I have to say."_

_The brunette glared at him with hatred, no mercy written in his eyes. Nobody dared to challenge the grandson of Professor Oak to an argument, and no one dared to make him listen once he set his mind to staying in a foul mood for the rest of the day._

_"What makes you think your words would make a difference?"_

_Tracey was shivering inwardly then. His opponent's icy tone of voice froze up his will to talk about it. But he had to, for his friend's own good. He had to make him know._

_"Same way you would want your words to change the things you've done in the past."_

**~o~**

It took Gary a few or so hours to compose a perfectly-written letter, with all his feelings written down in pages and pages of paper. Sophisticated literature marked each page, being the perfectionist and smart-ass he was. He looked at the piece of work in front of him, re-reading and making changes to any grammatical errors, as if anybody who read it would kill themselves if they so find something as sinful as the wrong use of tense or the incorrect placing of any apostrophes.

"Oh for Arceus' sake, what am I even DOING? It's not like anyone's going to read it." complained the seventeen year old, tossing his pen across his seemingly tidy room somewhere. "Argh, I've had it. No more of this writing business. I give up. Screw this stupid thought, this stupid feeling, this stupid everything!" He repeated, also crumpling his perfect piece of work and throwing it like he did to his pen. Out of frustration, Gary stormed out his room, willing to get some fresh air from sitting down and writing non-stop about something so utterly useless and hateable.

_'I'm never listening to Tracey again!'_ The brunette mentioned to himself as he marched out of the Oak laboratory, cursing mentally. As he started writing at the beginning hours of noon and wrote for hours with no end, the sun before him was already beginning to set, painting the sky with colourful hues of yellow, pink, and orange.

The Pokémon Researcher decided that it wouldn't hurt him to take a quick stroll around the wee outskirts of Pallet Town. He walked past familiar cherry and peach blossom trees, watching their flowers close slowly to hibernate for the coming night. Flocks of Pidgey made their way to the taller evergreen trees, ready to rest their exhausted little wings. All of it happened to be the same factors that brought the emerald-eyed boy back to a particular memory, sixteen years of his life ago.

Why was it so that you couldn't redo the wrong you've done in the past? Reality was a cruel enemy, and all Gary could do was to live with it.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

**~o~**

_"Go on, then. Speak. This better be worth my time, or else."_

_Tracey tried to swallow his fear for the sake of voicing out what he had to say. He watched the older boy step down from the height he stood at, lest he would fall from any more shocking conclusions the black-haired boy came up with._

_"Look, Gary. I'm just worried about you, okay? You haven't been eating enough and you've been stressing yourself out with research instead giving yourself a well-deserved break from it all. I figured something must be up with you and Ash, since everytime I bring the subject about him up, you just get angry. I have no idea what happened to the both of you in the past, but I have a feeling that the way you're acting must have something to do with it. You haven't been sleeping anymore, and those evident bags in your eyes - please, Gary. Talk to me about it, will you?"_

_Gary could see the empathy in Tracey's eyes towards him, but it wasn't as if he needed any of it. He was just stressed out about his situation. Tracey wasn't the one agonizing about wanting to make things right between his childhood friend, who, in secret anyway, happened to be the one he cared about the most contrary to anyone who ever thought about it. How could the Marill Trainer possibly understand what he was going through? As intelligent as Gary was, he was a pessimist at heart and he usually made things harder for himself when it came to his personal situations._

_"I'm fine, Tracey. I am. I just... I just need to sort things out. And yes, you're right, it is about Ash. But I don't want to talk right now or anytime, for that matter."_

_Gary was just about to leave the office when Tracey grabbed one of his wrists and pulled him back in an attempt to make him stay and listen._

_"Stop running away!"_

_"I'm not running away! You just think that because I'm not talking to you about it! I'm NOT running away!"_

_"Yes, you are! I have no idea what you're going through, but if you enlighten me, I could give you a hand and help! You're making this a harder situation for yourself that it probably already is."_

_The brunette wasn't having any of it, but if Tracey wanted him to talk, then talk he would do._

_"Fine. You want to know what has happened? I'm in love with someone who hates me. A boy. My childhood friend who became my rival all BECAUSE OF ME and my stubborn personality. I ruined things between us by falling in love with him and I pushed him away in hopes of killing my feelings, but they never went away. Even as we went our own separate ways, I still cross paths with him every now and then. It's so hard for me to deal with the fact that I can't even face him and apologize or tell him how I feel because he probably hates me for everything I've done and I just feel terrible and I'm sick and tired of pretending I don't feel something for him when I do. And society... How much worse could it be to involve society to my situation? If my Grandpa hears about this, he'd immediately disown me, just like he almost did when I told him about my feelings for Ash as a child. I can see the headlines now...the grandson of the famous Pokémon Professor... In love with the future Pokémon Master from Kanto! Uggh, I... I just can't deal with this anymore. I really can't."_

_Tracey walked up to the seventeen year old who was almost in tears, resiliently trying to comfort him as the latter kept turning away in an attempt to mask his real self that existed before said awful incident._

_"It's almost been ten years, Tracey." Gary whispered to his friend sadly, his previous angry-self eliminated by feelings of remorse and contrition. "That dreadful day's coming soon and I still can't forget... I still can't forget... I still... can't... forget..."_

_It was a little unexpected for the black-haired boy to see Gary break down in front of him, and with him finally talking, he could slightly understand how said older boy was feeling. Everyone had their own weaknesses, and Ash just happened to be one of Gary's._

_The younger boy continuously patted the other on his back softly while he sobbed away the tears that never came as a result of his bottled feelings. "Hey, I'm here to help you, buddy. You know, I've noticed the way you look at him when he comes in television for his matches, and how you go quiet when you hear his name; just staring into an invisible horizon somewhere in front of you. I can see how your feelings for him have been bothering you and I just want to help out."_

_Such analyzations made by Tracey could only come from excellently observing Pokémon for the past fifteen or so years. It made Gary wonder how much the younger boy actually knew about him or his past without the need of words or explanations._

_"...What does drawing have anything to do with it...?" the researcher concurred, his voice dull as the colour grey._

_Tracey searched his mind for a decent reply. "Well, I was just wondering, that maybe, I don't know, but just maybe, instead of worrying about what he'd say if you do find the chance to confess your feelings to him, I was wondering if you could just illustrate what you feel for him in a visual diary? You know, most people usually practice what to say before letting someone know how they feel, and I figured drawing could be a good way to do it. Or, if you can't or don't want to draw, you could write it down with words. That way, you won't need to tell him how you feel directly. Or you don't even need to send it to him. Just write. It's a good way to vent into pen and paper, no matter how you do it."_

_It sounded reasonable enough. After all, he has been keeping all his feelings bottled up with no one to tell but Umbreon. Sometimes he talked to himself at night, hoping that it would somehow console him and make him regret his actions less than he could have. How he wanted to let it all out. And how he **needed** to let it all out._

**~o~**

Gary's second spring became a pinnacle of all seasons, as it was the time he first met Ash, wearing his small one year old shorts, a Bulbasaur-decorated shirt and strap-blue sandals. Looking into the distance, Gary could almost see the now sixteen year old ravenette walking towards him; he could almost hear him shouting out his two syllable name repeatedly, arms waving up and down in an attempt to catch his attention.

"Darn it, I've been thinking too much about him lately that I'm even seeing him everywhere." Gary muttered, running his hands through brown spikes and pulling it slightly to snap himself out of it. Ash's image continued to approach him - this time the hazel-eyed boy was running towards him with open arms and the sunlight for a smile. Gary couldn't help but melt at that. If the latter knew of it, chances were Ash would never dare see him again out of disgust.

It was about time Gary got home. The fresh air didn't help one bit - it just worsened his mood as he was STILL thinking about the boy with black hair and chocolate eyes, pink lips and the z's on both cheeks._ Oh Arceus, those scars... _He choked back a cry and continued walking, forcing all negative thoughts away from his mind if possible.

It was almost dark when the brunette returned home – the Hoothoot were out hooting away and sleek Persians were hiding sneakily behind tall grass, ready to endeavour in their first hunt for the night. Once home, he purposely skipped eating dinner to hit the hay; he was in for a two-day trip of Ice Pokémon research in Seafoam Islands by the early hours of dawn.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Before I Die

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

"Come on, guys! We're almost home! I can't wait to finally see Mom!" beamed an excited ravenette running along a familiar pathway. It has been several months since sixteen year old Ash Ketchum set foot in his one and only hometown, the dazzling town of Pallet. His Unova Pokémon and Pikachu ran freely behind him, trying to catch up with their human companion who dashed along the dusty road without stopping.

"Boldooore!"

"Scraaggy!"

"Unfezant-fee!"

It was always a good thing to finally be home, surrounded with trees and flowers full of memories and good times, growing up from a child to the teenager Ash currently was. How he missed being ten years old again. The years went by so fast and the days he spent travelling to different regions and earning different achievements were seriously uncountable.

"Ash! Hey, Ash! Welcome home!" a boy none other than Tracey called out to him. He and Ash's mother, Delia Ketchum, woke up before nine to meet up with the hazel-eyed boy as they were expecting his gladdening and safe return.

"Tracey! Mom!"

The Pikachu Trainer sprinted even faster than the pace he originally had, mindlessly forgetting the Pokémon who were still running behind him out of excitement.

"Ashy dear! I missed you so much! Oh my, you've grown so tall! And your hair! It looks much scruffier than the last time, doesn't it? Oh, it doesn't matter. I'm so glad you're home now!" his mother cried happily, squeezing the boy who ran towards her open arms, ready to welcome him back again.

"Mommy! I missed you too! I couldn't wait to finally see you again…"

"How long are you staying for, sweetie?

The sixteen year old threw a glorious peace sign at her. "A long and happy month! The current Kalos League Tournament hasn't been clearly set up yet, so I have a lot of time to spare. I get to stay here with you! Yeyy!"

Hearing such news made his mother leap for joy. "That's amazing! We'll do so much together, then! Oh, I missed you so much! But you know, I don't think I'll be the only one you'll be staying for soon enough…"

"Huh? What do you mean, Mom?"

"Oh, you'll find out soon, enough honey. I just know it."

Tracey merely smiled watching the mother and son's reunion as he waited for his friend's still arriving Pokémon.

"Pikaaa!"

"Haha, I missed you too, Pikachu!" the Pokémon Watcher replied, nuzzling the yellow fur ball of thunder who jumped at his arms eagerly.

"Goodness, Ash. You have incredible-looking Pokemon! I do hope you'd let me draw them for my sketchbook!"

The Pikachu Trainer nodded in humility. "Hehe, sure you can! They're a really good bunch of friends."

"Pigniiiiite!"

"Leava-vannyyy!"

Once they all settled down with hugs and petting and thrown in handshakes between each other, the three humans and six Pokémon made their way towards the more village-part of town, heading back to the place Ash grew up and called home for a late breakfast.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

"So Ash, how's your travelling been going? I heard you started travelling alone for a while just after the Vertress Conference."

Ash and Tracey were at the dining room eating some of Mrs Ketchum's delicious rolled omelettes while chatting about Ash's travels in Unova and Tracey's recent Pokémon findings respectively. They hadn't seen each other for a very long time so it was only right to ask one another how the other has been going during the past several months.

"Yeah, I have. It's going good actually. I've heard there was a nearby region called the Kalos Region that had another competitive Pokémon League I could enter in, but I figured I could stop by at home to spend a few weeks with Mom or hang out with you, Misty and even Brock. I haven't been winning every match I participate in, but the fact that I keep challenging Pokémon Leagues across regions makes me at least one step closer to becoming a Pokémon Master, doesn't it? I've still got a long way to go."

"Yup, but that's a good thing. They say life's a long journey. At least you get to meet new people and Pokemon and visit so many places… it's an awesome way to learn about life, you know," Tracey agreed contentedly. "Speaking of which, it's been a hectic mating season for the Vileplume lately, and they've given birth to some really adorable yet naughty Oddish. Gary was really pleased that one of them was born a Shiny."

Ash's eyes lit up valiantly. "A Shiny? Oh, that's so cool! I've got to see it sometime!"

"Yeah, you do!"

Meanwhile, Mrs Ketchum just carried on vacuuming the living room with Mr Mime, who was listening in with her to the two boys' interesting conversation. The brown-haired woman chuckled quietly to herself, amused that her son missed out a tiny bit of detail from Tracey's previous sentence.

"Wait, Tracey… Did you just say GARY was really happy one of them was born a Shiny?"

The black-haired boy looked at the other and nodded. "Yeah. He's been researching all sorts of Pokemon information with us for quite some time now. Said he got homesick staying in Sinnoh forever. Sooner or later, he'd inherit the laboratory anyway, like his grandfather intends him to."

That was quite some news for the hazel-eyed boy. He never believed it was possible for his childhood best friend and rival to get homesick, as back in the day he used to talk about nothing but travelling and getting away from Pallet Town. And that also meant the brunette was here, in said town, doing his own meticulous research, and the younger boy could even meet him in person after such a loooong time.

Thinking about Gary made Ash's mood drop into a few hundred measures of happiness. As much as he thought about wanting to make up with him, he couldn't. Gary would never allow it. Everytime they met, he'd always have that oh-so-annoying smirk painted on his face, with the look of disapproval continuously hanging on his eyes. Little did he know that everytime he turned around, the emerald-eyed boy's expression was changed into that of guilt and sorrow.

Their situation as friends was despairingly parallel, as they both had a similar secret intent to be with one another, but did not find it easy to just talk to each other and make up.

"Hey, are you alright, Ash? You're looking glum. Was it something I said?" inquired Tracey, who had one hand on the younger boy's shoulder after shaking him softly to reality.

Ash looked at him with a forced smile before nodding once. "Yeah. I'm fine. I just had no idea Gary was here. Is he...?"

"No, he's on a trip to the Seafoam Islands right now. He'll be back tomorrow evening at the latest."

"Oh. Alright."

It didn't take a genius to figure out that mentioning Gary made Ash feel uncomfortable as well. They were like opposite magnets: attracting and repelling, a mutual feeling between them that was sadly unexpressed.

The ravenette got up to put away his still glutted breakfast plate. Walking towards the sink, he threw away what food he had left before walking over to his Pokémon to give each one of them a friendly pat.

It wasn't exactly normal for the Pikachu Trainer to dispose of his breakfast so willingly, let alone any food at all. It was then that Mrs Ketchum popped up in the dining room to peek on how the two sixteen year olds were doing.

Tracey remained silent and seated on the table while Ash preened his Unfezant, the bird Pokémon hooting as every feather was brushed to perfection. She noticed how they stopped talking to each other, indicating that the previous topic they have touched on possibly caused the heavy silence.

The brown haired woman called Tracey over with one hand gesture, wanting to talk to him for a brief moment. He figured as well that Ash probably needed a little time to himself for thinking.

"Hey Ash. Professor Oak and I are gonna be heading to the Seafoam Islands in three hours, but take your time in settling in, alright? Drop by when you can. He'll probably want to update your Pokédex as well check out your Pokémon from Unova."

He waved goodbye to the younger sixteen year old, who smiled weakly at him before he made his way towards the exit.

Mrs Ketchum farewelled Tracey with a parting gift of homemade chocolate chip cookies. "Sorry about Ash, Tracey. He just needs a little time. It may not seem obvious to you but he really likes Gary. I've seen him cry for him sometimes, and it breaks my heart they had to part in separate ways when they've been best friends before. He misses him constantly every now and then. If only I could do something to help."

Tracey nodded at her agreeingly, hoping only for the same thing she wished. Why did the two boys have to be so stubborn anyway? They could have just approached each other, talked it out and bam! They'd know of one another's feelings, they'd apologize for past remarks, they'd be together, blah blah blah, happy happy happy. Unfortunately, such wasn't the case. But then he remembered what he had told Gary a few days before and wished from the bottom of his heart that he had done it and he left the same project assigned to him in his room. Maybe, just _maybe,_ if he could find said project and give it to Ash, Ash would be informed of Gary's feelings and have the iniative to confront him. Tracey would die from the Oak teen's everlasting wrath for not asking for his permission, but the two lovers would finally be happy together! Oh well, he hoped so anyway.

He was already at the picket fence gate of the Ketchum residence when he had thought about his not-so-brilliant-but-still-worth-a-shot-for-the-sake-of-his-friends plan. Tracey turned around for a brief moment, yelling back to Mrs Ketchum just so she could be reassured that she had his support. "I think I'll be able to, Mrs Ketchum. I'll try my best, anyway."

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Urgent footsteps could be heard constantly echoing from the rocky road as a sixteen year old boy ran towards a particular Pokémon laboratory. His Poké Balls, which carried the best of his friends, bounced repetitively on his belt caused by the boy's swift sprinting. His Pikachu was cradled none too carefully between his chest and his left arm, and though his destination wasn't too far from home, he panicked about being too late in seeing the Pokémon Professor.

Once the laboratory was in his line of sight, Ash picked up his pace as he saw two figures struggle in carrying what happened to look like travel bags out the entrance door. He arrived in front of them just in time, dishevelled, exhausted, and appearing to collapse in any minute. Professor Oak laughed at the panting boy before patting his head, knowing exactly what the ravenette was there for.

"Goodness Ash, you didn't have to run so hard to arrive here. We would have gladly waited on for you. You know how keen I am in finally meeting your Unova Pokémon. With that said, our ship to the Seafoam Islands also leaves in about two hours. Come inside." The white haired man explained, pushing away their travel bags to the side and ushering Ash and his thunder mouse Pokémon towards the entrance door. Tracey followed suit afterwards, and soon the three males were in the main hall of the Pokémon laboratory, standing in front of a special Pokémon machine.

"Tracey told me you two were leaving in three hours! I panicked that I wouldn't be able to reach you guys in time," Ash exclaimed, glaring at Tracey in the process. As if imitating his trainer, Pikachu did the same.

"Well, I've told Tracey to remind me of our travels way earlier than the actual time we have to leave. I'm an old man; I usually get late for these things. Sorry if you were inconvenienced. But back on track we go. This machine here," Professor Oak pointed out, "as you can see, is my own special Pokédex, only bigger. I'll just take your Pokédex for a few seconds-" Ash handed his Pokédex over to the old man, "and I'll update it quickly. There, all done."

The professor returned Ash's fully updated Pokédex, all the while informing him of a few of the Kalos starters and Kalos League rules he must know before travelling to said region. Pikachu was out playing with the laboratory Pokémon and Tracey was nowhere to be seen,_ 'possibly upstairs',_ Ash thought, as he remembered having heard hard footsteps from the room above him.

Meanwhile, Tracey was carefully rummaging the desk of a certain brunette, wondering where all the reseacher's mighty hard work from yesterday could have gone. Gary's room wasn't messy at all, so it was hard to walk in and search for something without letting the seventeen year old know that someone had been snooping around without his consent. All the files on his desk were relatively Pokémon research, and Tracey could not find anything _Ash-related _at all. He even searched the trash just in case it was thrown out for its absurdity, but he found nothing but pencil shavings and shredded papers - Gary must have totally pulverized his drafts to avoid Tracey reading them.

"Heh, guess he probably took the paper with him, or he hid it somewhere I wouldn't find, or he did it on his laptop, or he didn't do it at all. Sheesh, my plan is doomed." muttered the Marill Trainer to himself, feeling awful that he had gotten both his and Mrs Ketchum's hopes up. He had just wanted to help the both of them! Was it really that Ash and Gary simply could not be together?

He walked downstairs downtrodden, but kept his feelings to himself throughout afternoon tea and the parting with Professor Oak, Ash and Pikachu to head to the Pallet down dock. Ash and Pikachu farewelled them both, informed that the ravenette was allowed to look around the laboratory if he wanted to and also that he must lock the entrance door upon leaving. A series of goodbyes and waves later, both Professor Oak and Tracey found themselves boarding their ship to the Seafoam Islands, ready for the new information they could derive from the mysterious Ice Pokémon inhabiting the place and any special information they would soon discover.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Before I Die

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

He didn't even know what he was doing. All he knew was that he acted on impulse, and he couldn't understand how it was so important to him that he had acted on impulse for it. Ash Ketchum found himself standing in front of a green-painted door, a door that would lead him to a room full of so many memories, both painful, and beautiful, and another feeling he couldn't put his finger on. He had asked Professor Oak just before the duo departed for their trip if he could look around for something he had supposedly left, and the old man allowed him to do so without any suspicions raised at all. Why he needed to lie to sneak around the laboratory he still couldn't quite comprehend.

_'It's all Tracey's fault,'_ he thought bitterly, _'as he was the one who mentioned the situation in the first place. Gosh, I feel so stupid. This whole situation is stupid!'_

While he was still in the middle of thinking, Ash's left hand subconsciously reached out for the golden doorknob, touched it, retreated, touched it again, pulled away completely, and reached out for it again. It was becoming an annoyance to both himself and the thunder mouse Pokémon who tagged along with him. Pikachu stood beside the reluctant ravenette, tugging at the fabric of his human companion's pants in hopes of being enlightened of his random antics.

_'Gah! What the heck am I doing? Isn't this what I was here for originally? I really am stupid, aren't I? Did I eat something bad this morning? No, just Mom's omelettes which weren't bad at all... What am I even thinking?'_

He looked to Pikachu for reassurance, and noticed that his friend had a bewildered yet curious look on his face. As if trying to act innocent, Ash ruffled his raven black hair, smiling embarassingly at the yellow Pokémon.

"Sorry Pikachu. I haven't really told you anything about what we're doing here, have I? Well, Pikachu, this room here," he glanced at the ever-so-green door, "belonged to a best friend of mine, once, long ago. You may know him as a nuisance, and a jerk, and the most arrogant freak even before Paul, but he wasn't like that before. He disappeared somewhere, that best friend I had. Somehow I even wonder if I really thought about him as just my best friend or someone more to me. I believe he's still out there. How I miss him so much..."

Ash's head hung low as he whispered those words, staring at the cold floor to help keep him from bursting into tears. Teenager though he was, he never got over the emotional side he always had as a child. Then again, he never got over the attachment he had with his old best friend. He looked to his right to see Pikachu clambering up his clothes so that his best buddy may comfort him. Ash took Pikachu into his arms and gave him a tight squeeze for a hug, then breathed in deeply to do what he was supposed to do, which was to go inside the suspenseful room.

Ash was thinking out loud once more, talking to Pikachu at the same time. "At least you're here for me right now, buddy. Sheesh, when was visiting an old friend's room that big of a deal? I'm rambling again, goodness me. Well, here I go."

The familiar smell of vanilla wafted out of the room as the door was pushed open slowly. A red ceiling contrasted the room's cream-coloured walls, which was decorated by many Pokémon research posters, a calendar and a large analogue clock. Fancy gold curtains were drawn out to either side of the reasonably large window. A single-sized bed was subjected at the left hand side of the room, and next to the window sat a white-painted cedar desk full of neatly stacked papers and important stationery.

"Wow. It looks so much of a teenager room now than when I last came here." concluded Ash, gaping openly as he looked around. He remembered the many Pokémon figurines and soft toys he had played with as a child, indicating to him just how long it was since he visited. Pikachu jumped out of Ash's arms and speeded towards the bed, which was covered in thick scarlet duvets matching the colour of the ceiling. The thunder mouse couldn't help but notice what sat on the bedside table - a glass container surrounding a not-so-beautiful broken half of a Poké Ball.

"Pika-pi." The electric-type cooed to get Ash's attention. The hazel-eyed boy had a white teddy bear at hand. Both Ash's hands grasped at the soft fabric before he brought it near his face and nuzzled into it.

"I can't believe he still has this. It's so insane." He cried, holding it out to let Pikachu see it. The plush toy was of a medium size and it held a pink heart with the words "Best Friends Forever" written in the middle. He remembered giving it to the brunette on the older's sixth birthday even though he thought it was a little too girly for him. He dropped the teddy bear suddenly as brown eyes landed on what Pikachu was pointing at, then picked it up again before nearing the object to make sure what he saw was actually what it was.

"Is that... our Poké Ball?" A hand travelled to the necklace he wore, which held the other white half of it. "Why...would he still have that? Ugh, I don't understand, I'm so confused, I don't even know..."

The Pikachu Trainer tugged at his raven hair stressfully. Pikachu mewled sadly, not appreciating the state Ash was currently in. Why was he so troubled? Who was this best friend of his? Was it really... that _Eevee-training, green-eyed, brunette jerkface?_ It couldn't possibly be him, right? That boy was a jerk _to the core._ If he ever saw this jerk of a person he promised he would Volt Tackle him to death for doing this to his precious trainer.

"It's almost been ten years..."

Ash sat down on the bed and lied down, still clutching at the teddy bear as if it were his lifeline. Hands went up to his face, tracing over the scars shaped like z's. He remembered how he got those... and it wasn't pleasant at all.

Pikachu joined him while the sixteen year old fell asleep to the smell of vanilla, wishing that he could finally be close to his best friend again, even if it only took falling asleep to his scent or hugging something of his that he knew was of great significance.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Gary crouched down to his knees to pick up a handful of snow from the snow cave floor. He took out a glass jar and stuffed the snow inside it - it would prove to be of good research material once he returned to Oak laboratory. He looked around the place to see if he could find any ice Pokémon he could interact with and if not him, Eevee could interact with.

"Veeee!" The brown ball of fur cried out to her trainer. She was sitting behind him, playing in the snow before she sensed presences that did not specifically belong to the snow cave habitat.

"I know, Eevee, it's cold, but hold on just a few more minutes and we'll be out of here and back at our hotel. I promise."

"Veeeeee!"

"Eevee, I have to research, please, love."

"Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Gary sighed exasperatedly. "Alright, love, what is it?"

The Evolution Pokémon ran south of their position, gesturing to Gary to follow her. She needn't take another step towards the direction of the presences as said presences approached her suddenly with big smiles plastered on their faces.

"Heheh, uuuh, sorry we're late Gary. We were, uuuh, kinda delayed by our ferry here." Tracey stammered, being a little too obvious that what he said was a lie. Professor Oak followed him carrying a large bag full of research tools and Marill was not far behind.

"That's what you say everytime! I bet you two purposefully picked the last ferry to Seafoam in order to stuff yourselves full in the all-you-can eat buffet dinner of the ferry! Gosh, you guys should be thankful at least one of us is actually working hard. Isn't there anything else you guys think about besides food?"

"Now, now, Gary, no need to get so hotheaded. I'm an old man; I need to eat as much as I can to stay healthy." Professor Oak said nonchalantly.

"That's the only excuse you could come up with? Eevee's freezing! I need to warm her up before she evolves into a failed version of Glaceon soon, thank you very much."

"Ok, you two, no arguing, we need to focus on research. Actually Gary, we ran into a visitor at Pallet who was, well, I dunno, sort of looking for you in a way, and he came over at the laboratory to hang out, that's all." Tracey hinted secretively. An idea to recover in his failing plan of playing matchmaker hit him just before seeing the emerald-eyed boy - he could force Gary into talking to Ash about what he felt about him and convince him that the younger boy felt the same way because he indeed did. Though Tracey wasn't exactly a legend in his Pokémon battling skills and he was pretty sure that he would be pummeled by the brunette if they ever had a scrap, he could never find it in himself to abandon his friends who he knew were in trouble if he could fix it.

"Liar." Gary Oak was not convinced. How could Ash live with the guy as his best friend in the past? Tracey couldn't comprehend.

Professor Oak shook his head fervently. "He's not lying, son. Ash got home today. He kept asking how you were or where you are and when you'd be back like a broken record. Such a good FRIEND he is, really, being worried about you. I'm glad you two have your understandings."

The emphasis the old man made on the word FRIEND made both Tracey and Gary cringe, Tracey in sadness while Gary in disgust. The Professor didn't need to know what he didn't need to know. Said old man walked over to Marill and Eevee, petting them as the two played in the chilly snow.

Tracey placed a hand on Gary's shoulder. "Hey, Ash really misses you, Gary. I bet he's in the laboratory right now, brooding about how you abandoned him and stuff like that. He's not one to brood, I know, but even his mother noticed how depressed he looked after hearing your name."

The Pokémon Researcher was still in a disgusted state, and Tracey's remark just made him even more pissed than he already was. "Don't joke with my feelings, Tracey. Chances are I may be forced to do something to you that you and I will regret later on."

Gary walked away in an attempt to finally leave the freezing cavern, but Tracey was much too tenacious to give up on his matchmaking.

"Would you think I'd lie to you about something like that? I want you guys to be together! You know that! I'm trying to help you here!"

A death-eating glare was shot directly from emerald to brown, and a baritone voice echoed threateningly around the cave. "Sometimes, Tracey, you need to know when to bug off. And you better do it NOW."

The angry Pokémon Researcher picked up Eevee and left the cave with style, letting his lab coat swish here and there as if it were practiced a thousand times in front of the mirror to support the brunette's arrogant attitude.

**o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o**

Ash woke up from the most comfortable sleep he has ever had in years. The white teddy bear slept in between his arms and Pikachu was already up and about. The hazel-eyed boy heard scuttering noises running up the wall, and even in the near darkness he could make out Pikachu's distinctive features trying to reach for something.

"Uggh, what is it Pikachu? Do you want the light open?"

"Pi-pi-pi."

"Buddy, the light's near the desk remember? Just climb onto my chair and..." His voice trailed off in realization of where he really was.

"Crap! How long was I asleep? Mom's gonna kill me!" Ash got up abruptly, tripping over in the process. He stumbled over something miscellaneous; a ball of trash or some sort. The ravenette picked it up and swore unhappily, rubbing his painful knees. Really? Who trips over a piece of trash? He flinched after hearing a suspiciously sneaky sound and vowed to himself that he needed to get out without anymore distractions, and quick.

He tiptoed down the stairs and made a leave for the entrance door regardless of the messy state he left the room he came from in. Soon he was on a mad run towards his house and he could see Mr Mime waiting for him outside the front porch. It was about 8pm according to his Pokétch and he felt utterly awful for not telling his mother that he was going to stay in the laboratory for an unexpected_ "sleepover"._ Mrs Ketchum happily understood and let her son have his dinner, and sent him off to bed after another hour.

"It doesn't feel the same sleeping in my room like this. I miss Gary's room. I feel more at home there." He mumbled to the electric-type who had already fallen asleep on his pillow. "We used to have so many sleepovers. I swear I slept there more than I have slept here in my entire lifetime."

He turned over to his side, only feeling uncomfortable as he slept on a stupid lump of something. Ah. The ball of trash. The sixteen year old had stuffed it into his pocket in a panic as he exited the Oak laboratory. Why he did so, he didn't know. Walking towards his desk to turn on the light, he took out the ball of trash and uncrumpled it, which revealed paragraphs of beautiful handwriting.

"Before I Die..." He read out loud, scanning over the first few sentences. It was a love letter, or so he concluded. That certainly piqued his interest.

'_Am I even allowed to read this? Then again, I really want to know who it's addressed to.' _He took out the last page and looked at the last sentence in hopes of finding some important girl's name. "I love you so much, and I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."

Ash made the decision to read over the whole thing, long though it was. The ravenette grabbed his chair, sat on it, and made himself comfortable as he clutched at the crumpled piece of work and began reading.

_"Before I die, I promise to tell you exactly how I feel..."_

It was going to be a long, _long_ read.


End file.
